Alright so Mondays suck. I know I’ve said it before but I think I may even HATE Mondays. I don’t know if it’s the day per se, but the fact that it’s the ‘after’ that usually occurs post-exciting/fun/relaxing time.
I am a gogogo person and very rarely do I want to do nothing. But last night, well yesterday afternoon I felt a cloud overcome me. I was sensitive, moody and sad. I started to get a bit neurotic about food (as in not wanting to eat it) and felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I was also loathing everything I had to do today. I felt like crap also (immunity wise)- not sure whether I’m fighting something at the moment, but that didn’t seem to be the main issue.
The depressive state and anxiety seemed to only increase as the hours went past and I battled the ‘binge bomb’ last night. I won’t go into details but dinner was lacking yesterday which didn’t help, plus lunch was carb light for a change which I’m sure was a shock to my system (ha). I found myself wanting to get my ‘fix’ (whilst also being physically hungry!). My bf being the amazing man he is (seriously look what he bought me today to cheer me up!)
tried to talk sense to me and help me out. In the end though I knew it was my choice. He was asleep and I crept downstairs. I was full of anxiety but also had this sensation like a high, knowing that any moment I could get my rush, especially with so many options available. I literally felt like all the food was calling me and my mind become obsessive with the thoughts of wafers, pringles, nutella (honestly, don’t even like this that much but it’s rich so ticks the boxes), milo, cookies etc etc.
As I saw myself gravitating towards the cupboard I found myself making a turn to the fridge to grab a carrot as well as some cheese to melt on top. But this wasn’t enough, I needed the sugar hit (this girl has a sweet tooth after all). Oddly, I found myself with a pink lady apple, cinnamon and my pb. I thoroughly enjoyed eating the combo, free from guilt and in an environment that wasn’t rushed or secretive.
I finally made my way to bed- full and honestly, relieved. I was also exhausted, and knew that mentally and physically I hadn’t been performing as well as I typically do. I had organised for my classes and PT’s for Monday morning to be filled. I needed to do nothing- as the thought of doing anything was overwhelming at that stage. But at the same time I was worried that the nothingness would create a space for the binge bomb to try and detonate. This time I would be totally alone and nothing would stand between the food and my mouth.
It’s now that day and so far I’m feeling all the shitty feelings but not trying to stuff them with food. I know that the feeling after I eat all that crap is a lot worse than wanting to eat it (aka- the build up of anxiety and need to fix the feelings). I don’t know why I bothered to write this, but I guess this being a personal blog and all I felt the need to write about my experiences and hopefully offer insight into matters of this nature. Plus this was a win for me- I didn’t eat my feelings. This post came about when I read Charlotte’s post merely moments ago and it reminded me of my own, so long ago.
Ps. I’m not all depressive and ED’s- check out my recent posts when I Recap my Week, share Things You Didn’t Need To Know About Me and ask the question Can there be multiple ‘right ways’ when it comes to Health?
Promise, a more upbeat post to come soon- but first, brighten my day?