Okay, so it’s 6:24am and I’ve been awake on and off for a while now. I can’t sleep because I have nausea and get hot flashes after I overeat which makes it uncomfortable for me to rest. The doctor also said that anxiety and depression can cause sleeping issues- so there ya go.
So my post yesterday, if you’re anything like my bf, left you worried and sad. Really for me it was a day of realisation and the post was me crying for help- asking why? It was me allowing myself to ponder these feelings and get it all out there. Who knew blogging could be so therapeutic.
Even last night as I continued to overeat (this wasn’t done uncontrollably, quickly or in erratic form- I just overate simply as that) I still was unable to feel that wave of relief wash over me. That void didn’t get filled. It didn’t matter how much I tried to stuff into my body- the void obviously isn’t in my stomach- I just couldn’t shake it. I felt helpless. And then of course, I end up feeling worse because I’ve force fed myself in hope of relief and I’ve driven myself to feel sick and worse about myself and my body.
I’ve had binges and overeating sessions because of my past restricting eating habits and rules. I think I am slowly coming to terms with that issue- I know I can eat the food- even if I don’t want to for vanity’s sake..but I am starting to get it. I don’t feel yesterday was a reaction to past restrictions.
The thing is now I think I am emotional eating because of my mild anxiety and depression issues, according to the doctor. Yes I really am a basket case- ED, anxiety, depression you name it I got it- haha sorry not really but thought I’d lighten the mood slightly (yes I do feel so much better than yesterday; it’s amazing what sleep can do). I know I am a drama queen and if you think I am a hyper-condriact you can go ahead and think that, because nothing I do will change your mind (trust me I’ve read 8307384 posts from a girl determined she hasn’t gotten an ED when all signs point to the fact she does and I can’t shake that feeling either). But I am not posting this so you believe me, I don’t care if you don’t (really I do but I am trying to act tough). I post about my issues because it helps me deal with them, I obviously can’t shy away from them anymore and typing them out allows me to articulate my feelings. As I said, it’s amazingly therapeutic. And really these issues are one in the same. I am depressed and anxious which caused me to take up ED tendencies, which in turn makes me more depressed and anxious. And I think it all roots down to my self-confidence, my body image and how I feel about myself (which I have a feeling goes back to high school and some bullying incidents? But I’ll let the psychologist decipher that one).
So emotional eating, that’s a whole new can of worms. But I knew this battle to happiness was not going to be an easy one. I am determined, even in my sleep deprived state (6-7 hours is not enough for a 9-10 hour girl okay!) to deal with my issues and overcome them. Although I so want to deal with the weight and eating issues first, I think I need to deal with my depression (which leads to emotional eating) issues. I think, well I hope, as I deal with them the other things will get better too.
I also want to state that although I may constantly have this un-bearing sadness underpinning my life (as I felt yesterday)- I don’t always feel it in full force. Yesterday, yes was a full force day. But I have really good days too. And that’s what makes it so tough- I am unprepared for the sad days and I am going from one extreme to another (I guess maybe this is why I masked myself with an ED? That way it wasn’t me and I only had to blimp through life- never engaging fully in it. Then there were never good or bad days just numbing days). When the days are good, they are good, but when they are bad… well it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
This is what I’m going to do. I need a plan of attack and maybe if I type it out to you I’ll feel more obliged to follow through.
- Feel my emotions. Cry, laugh, be angry- whatever.
- Deal with them (no, not cover them up with food or distractions). I will deal with them by first feeling them, acknowledging their presence in my life, naming them and writing this all down. I will then just keep writing (or typing because pen and paper is ancient baby hehe). I will write it all out. My counsellor has offered this technique to me before but she advised not to read it after. Once I feel I’ve expressed it and dealt with it for the time it deserves I will stop.
- Hmm, I’m not sure what to do here. But I feel I should then re-connect with my body. I’d like to say I should meditate but I don’t know if that is a realistic plan because I have a feeling that when ‘in the moment’ I ain’t bloody meditating. But I’ll try it. (Anyone else got a technique for reconnecting with their body?) Hmm maybe putting on a good song and just closing my eyes and listening could work?
- Then I’d like to move on and do something- maybe a walk, read a book, gym etc. Something I’d typically find enjoyment in.
What I am determined to do is not stuff myself silly anymore. Physically it is incredibly unhealthy and it makes my body feel yuck! I’d rather not have a sad feeling mind and bod thanks. Obviously, I’ll slip up in this instance many times I’m sure. But by consciously acknowledging that I want to change my ways and habits- well that’s a step forward I think I’ma put a pebble in the jar for that one! I am also determined not to distract myself or busy myself. Because this won’t deal with the emotion it’ll just shove it back into it’s place…but don’t worry it’ll be back, and with a vengeance too. That’s why I want to write it all out, cry it all out and feel it all out (tree hugger hippy?).
I do though want to apologise if I put a damper on your day yesterday or if ever reading any of my posts has triggered issues for you that have then caused you any discomfort or negativity. I don’t blog this stuff to make everyone else feel as crappy as me. I already feel that my issues dampen people-I-know ‘s lives (I cannot for the life of my get that to sound right) and I’d hate to think that it’s gone viral too.
As my family is huge believers in natural pharmaceuticals, (mum, nanna and uncle worked for companies) mum has recommended I start on St Johns Wort. I will come back with a more detailed post on this later and will track my progress also.
Before I go I just want to say a huge thank you for reading. For some reason I feel as if each reader I reach is just another person I’m telling my issues too and therefore, another support system for me.
Any tips for dealing with my emotions and emotional eating? What’s your routine when dealing with depressing issues and times?